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Spellcheck: Spelling Bee
Spellcheck: Spelling Bee

Episode · 1 year ago

Thank You & Quick Update

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Thank you for listening to Spellcheck — seriously... thank you. We will be back in action soon, I promise!

Hello, welcome to spell check, kind of. My name is Kevin. I am your handsome host and this is going to be shorter than our other uploads. It's just a little update. So you guys know I'm alive, kicking it, killing it. First off, I want to say thank you. Thank you. Who is listening right now could be anywhere between twenty, two fifty people, but every one of you that's listening right now is the reason I'm making this little episode because I think of this audience like I think of my friends. I've really tried to design this podcast as a very intimate personal thing. It's still performance. I was you know, I studied theater and we perform every day of our lives. So it's a creative outlet to perform, but also I want it to be really personable and I want to be very open about who I am and and the stuff I'm going through, and when I'm going through stuff I tell my friends about it and people who are listening. I've become closer with preexisting friends, I've made new friends and it's just a it's a pretty special thing. There's still between I mean there's still people listening every day. Not a ton of people, but I was going I looked over the analytics. I haven't. I've been in the studio for about two months and I haven't really looked at the analytics. And there's still people listening every single day, between two people to ten people, to twelve people. One day there were the twenty lessons. I don't know. Maybe I don't know. Maybe someone told all nineteen of their friends and they all decided to do a listening party from from their individual ipod Nanos. Totally...

...plausible, but yeah, I mean it really it blows my mind that people are still listening and I put this thing out in the world because it's what I needed at the time and it's really it means a lot that people are, you know, deciding of all the thousands upon thousands of podcasts there are out there that you can pop on while you're doing laundry, while you're cooking your dinner, someone decided to take an hour and a half to listen to my little guy. That's pretty special to me. That really does mean a lot. And let's me up. So this thank you part has gone on longer. I'll probably trim it down, as I do everything in spell check. Kind of our brand, trimming things down like a really successful tree trimmer. Okay, that was stupid. As you can tell, this is not a competition episode. This is just me in the studio. I miss being here and I was sitting at home watching succession and I realized I needed to run out to get some dishwasher pods and I thought, Hey, I am going to be out anyway, I might as well pop over and see how the studios doing and maybe just let people know how I'm doing. I think I'm actually probably going to miss the window to get dishwasher pods. I'm pretty sure walgreens closes at ten. That's all right, dishes can be done tomorrow. Everything can be done tomorrow. Nothing is nothing is worth I don't know...

...what I'm talking about. It's really nice to be back in here. I think I really lost momentum a little over a month ago when I got water damage on the computer and I had a couple episodes on that computer. The only thing that broke was the power button. The hard drive is totally fine. All I have to do is get an adapter to get the stuff from the hard drive onto a different computer. It's very easy. I just seed to buy one item. I could do it in thirty seconds if I used Amazon, but I really don't want to support Amazon, so I just need to take an hour out of a day and go to best buy or something. But the thought of exerting that much energy for anything lately has it's just felt totally overwhelming and like what. Well, what would the point be? And the point would be getting to share more smell check and keep keep my my friends and my in this little community in the loop. That's a pretty good point. But the energy it has taken me just to do like the bear essentials has been exhausting, just absolutely exhausting. It's been a tough patch.

I think I finished school recently and that was my sense of purpose, was getting a degree, and then covid happened and I decided to I kind of felt I had to do something productive during covid times. So I got another degree, but I didn't really want or need but it was something that felt necessary to avoid spending the year doing nothing. But I say all this. I say all this because as soon as I finished school for good, probably for good. Maybe I'll go back, but as soon as I finished for good this June, I've been very lost. I'm sure or other people have experienced things like this. You achieve something that you've sort of been leading up to your whole life and after that it's like what's next, and that's a pretty hard moment to find yourself in. I like the work that I'm doing. The jobs that have resulted from my education have been nice. But Yeah, when you feel stuck, it takes enough energy just to like cook yourself a meal. So I haven't been cooking much lately. It's been a lot of money eating out. One of the things that encouraged me to I don't want to I don't want to do on this, because I'm not recording this as a means of like pity or garnering sympathy or anything. I just...

I want to be up front. I want to be honest about where I've been and, Mike, I said before, I see I see these like listeners, as my friends and I trust and I don't want there to be like secrets and I want to be seen when people to know who I really am. So this is who I really am. I'm a I'm a I'm a depressed guy. You know, it's very real, it's very hard. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there dealing with it as well. One of the things that inspired me to record this right now was my grandma texted me, my grandma, who has appeared on the show. I'm sure she's listening right now. Shout out to you, Mary. But she text me and said, I noticed you haven't uploaded an episode of spell check in a few weeks. Want to make sure you're okay, and part of me thought, oh, it's kind of funny that a gage of whether I'm okay or not is if I've uploaded an episode. But then I realized, like, she's absolutely right, I haven't recorded because I'm not okay, but I'm working on it. I'm in therapy and it's going well. It's a yeah, it's a battle every day to get out of bed and do shit. I and like yeah, my momentum with the computer breaking along with I got sick. It's like the first time before covid and it wasn't covid. I got to like nasty cold and I was just dock at home and I was feeling crappy and I've been losing a lot of sleep. That's related to...

...a lots of stuff, but I just realized like doing this, having this outlet and the way it connected me with other people made me so happy and I was I was also depressed when I started and it was a nice distraction. So I think the moment I lost the momentum, I lost the distraction and I physically couldn't come to the studio and I had a couple episodes lined up for recording that fell through and that was really disappointing. My access to the studio, the means in which I get access to the studio, has become more limited. I'm not well. Yeah, it's just been it's just been harder for me to actually do anything, both practically and emotionally. So I guess I say this because I want you guys to stick around. I am gonna be back a I'm actively reaching out to friends to record more episodes, because the onus is on me being the host. I have a friend who wants to be a producer. Maybe I'll maybe I'll talk them into reaching out to people on my behalf, because the the energy of trying to coordinate scheduling and just even like sending a message to someone. Well, I'm also working three jobs and trying to trying to have a social life. It's been really hard. Excuse me, wow, I still got the BURBS. But...

I want, I just want everyone that has listened and cares to know I care too. I care a lot. I think. I think this little show is something special. I still think the idea is I think it's a great idea. I think it's wild to me that no one else has done it before and I think we've created some really entertaining conversations and moments and it's really special to me and I don't want to I don't want to lose people enjoying in that with me just because I've been an active I also think it's important to have an open dialog about mental health and I don't want to feel like I'm hiding from from that part of me, because it's really hard to be seen as you really are. And it's weird with spell check I simultaneously feel more like myself when I'm being a host and asking people questions, but I also feel less like myself, like I'm I really am putting on a mask and it's a strange contradiction. It's double think. You know, the brain is holding these two very contradicting truth at the same time. Of you're doing this show because it lets you be yourself, but you're doing the show because it lets you make people laugh by pretending to be someone you're not. And, as a breakthrough with my therapist, actually the idea of weighing your...

...own identity on other people's approval and relying on positive feedback from others to have the feeling of self worth. I think a lot of people get into the arts and performance. I don't want to generalize, but for me, the reason I think I've gotten into performance in the arts is to satisfy a lack of satisfaction from within. So I'm working on that. I'm not sure what else to say. I'm okay, I'm going to be okay. I'm I have an amazing support system. I have amazing family and friends that have stuck by my side and know me as well as anyone can know me, as much as can know me, as much as I'm willing to let anyone know me. And to all those people that are listening, which they all will, support everything I do and will tune into anything that I that I upload anywhere, just really sincere your thank you. It's so it's a hard world that we're living and really easy to feel hopeless, and I've been feeling really hopeless. It is hard to feel self satisfaction or it's just hard to wake up in the morning when it feels like there's nothing but bad news waiting for you at every every turn. I know I'm not alone in that feeling.

I've had a lot of existential conversations with my friends about that sort of thing. And how do you come to terms with that? You know, ultimately we all just have to find happiness in the moments that we can. And for me, ever since I finished school and ever since I lost that that external presence of something to do every day, something to strive for, getting the degree, getting the good grades, nothing has really filled that void for me except. Well, things have helped, but nothing has helped to the extent of spellcheck. This has been like a super special and integral part of my routine and when it was an active part of my routine I was at my most content. Part of that might have been using it as a crutch, and I think that's part of why I fell so hard when when I wasn't able to record and getting back up when you fallen. That hard is. It's challenging. I've gone on way too long and this was I was not intending this to be just about me. I mean this whole shows me, so what else was I going to be about? But there's things in the works that I'm really looking forward to. I have a lot of people that have expressed interest that I think are really funny and I would love to have on. I would really love for other podcasters to come on. So...

...consider this a consider this an open invitation to anyone who has listened to an episode and thinks they're fun and thinks they would enjoy coming on, because I love reconnecting with people and I love connecting with New People and I think this platform is a really fun one. It's casual, it's accepting, there's no judgment here and I would really love to put some people in the schedule. The schedule. There's no schedule. It's just me. I'm free at night when I'm not working my three jobs, which are all wonderful, and I get to work from home and give me a lot of flexibility to do things like a podcast when a lot of people have to work propy restaurant jobs or dishwasher jobs and a lot of people don't have jobs and are much less fortunate own of homes. And this is not. Yeah, I don't want this to be a self petty fast this is this is just letting you guys know where I am and you let you all know where I am, and thank you for listening. It has been twenty minutes. I can't believe you're still here. I think a nice way to end it would be to play our little theme song. So thanks for sticking around. You know, I'm not going to edit this. I'll just I'll let it. I'll let it be what it is and people can skip past the awkward silences. But UH, here's our theme song. Stay tuned for more spell check. I'm your handsome...

...hopes and we'll see you very soon.

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